Day 38: Chapter 5/Missing the Magnificent

I do not think about it again for a very long time.  Until…..

…. Jesus saves me.

He saves me several years later and I am so thankful. My sins are washed away. This is good news! I bask in this for quite some time.

Then I realized that even though my life was changed forever by Jesus, much of my life was lived without Him.  There are many wounds and scars to be healed from having been living life my own way.

Having an abortion was one of these. If you have had an abortion or are a man who has lost a child through abortion, healing is vital.

One day, I was sitting in a counseling session with a dear woman of God, when she asks me, as if God Himself whispers this information right in her ear, “Have you ever had an abortion?”. What? I answer honestly, and then she asks, Have you ever mourned the loss of this child.” What? No. Mourn. No! I hadn’t even considered it.

Thinking back, I remember a little argument my boyfriend and I had before we knew I was pregnant. For SOME reason (and I was actually pregnant at the time, though unaware at the moment), we were discussing baby names. We were disagreeing over what our little girl’s name would be. I could be wrong about this, but my heart of heart’s tells me that this was a little girl.

NOT A CLUMP OF CELLS!,  or a stream of blood running through a long tube, but a little girl God knew before he formed her in my womb. She could very well be a prophet today. She would be in her early twenties. The world lost a fantastic young person. She would have been magnificent! I know she is with the Lord and one day I will get to meet her. That will be a very special, bittersweet day.

It is NOT finished. I must mourn the loss of my little girl. Our little girl. Healing is a process. I can see that even as I write this, another layer is being pulled back. How great is our God that He would care enough about me, after all that I had done, to want to heal me and set me free of this pain that I wasn’t even aware I was holding. He wants to do things like that all the time for all of us. He is AMAZING!!

 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!  For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!  Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.   Romans 5: 6-11

Even now, as I am realizing that I have mourned and yet I am still mourning, it may be more than fitting to do something tangible for this child. A memorial, because  she did exist and she was here, if only for a moment. Is it possible to love the very people we have destroyed, either physically or otherwise? I am convinced that we can only love anyone at all  if we look at them through the eyes of God.  

As I end this chapter here, I pray that our eyes, mine and yours, would be open to the eyes of God. That as we sit with Him and learn of Him, we would be more and more like Him. He died for you and He died for me and we have a great need to receive all He has for us. May we be so very aware of the desperation we all share and the NEED that so patiently waits for us. Jesus, we love You. We need You and after all, You delight in us. You wash us white as snow and change our hearts and for that, may we be forever aware and grateful! And LIVE!!! And LOVE!!

LIVE THE LIFE!!!

Day 37: Chapter 4/Innocent Blood

Salvation, real and true, comes from receiving the blood Jesus shed for us on the cross. His blood has the power to forgive. He is the only One who saves.

Do you know what it looks like when we try to save ourselves? Do you want to?

It looks like this:

Here I am, a young woman starting out  and faced with really NO CHOICE. Sure, you may say I had one and looking back, I definitely did, but I could not see it. There wasn’t even a hint of thinking that if I had this child it would be OKAY. No. Everything was terribly wrong and it was all about me. Everything was about me. It was about protecting myself and my future (with all it’s big plans?!). A child? Well, it’s not even a child yet. Just a clump of cells. So, it didn’t matter anyway. Better to not just save myself, and also to SAVE this “thing” from ever becoming a child so that it doesn’t have to live with me in the HELL I perceived all around me.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

I had to get this over with, before too many weeks went by and I was REALLY carrying a child (I say this with a broken heart). How do you get an abortion? You look in the phone book and you pick a place far away where no one will see you. You charge it on your credit card (which isn’t the smartest thing to do). You see, this is a shameful matter. It’s legal, but it really isn’t accepted. I think deep down, everyone knows what it is. It is murder made legal. The rationale can go on and on. NONE OF THE REASONS ARE GOOD REASONS.

I schedule my abortion. I go, alone if I remember correctly. I know my boyfriend did accompany me once. Yes once. I have to go two times. The first time I go, the doctor did not show up and the appointment was cancelled. In retrospect, this was a chance to make the right choice, but all I saw was another inconvenience. This was hard enough for me because I had a lot of sneaking around to do. Now I had to do it again! I never once saw this as an opportunity to change my mind. A chance to show and receive mercy. I had blinded eyes….but now, I see.

I re-schedule and I decide that I will watch the procedure as it takes place. That is the brave thing to do. It doesn’t hurt as they insert the suction and I watch as the very child God blessed me with is removed from my body. All I can see is red through a long tube. I know these are just cells, not a baby at all. Nope. I had to see for myself and I was right.

I WAS WRONG! TERRIBLY WRONG!

I am relieved. It is over. I am free and can get on with my life. SAFE! No one knows and all is well. Not only that, but I believe this with all my heart: How noble of me to abort quickly, before this was an actual child?! I am so proud of this decision. And even happier that everything went smoothly. It is finished.

IT IS NOT FINISHED.

With eyes finally opened years later, I deeply understand what I have done. I have blood on my hands. Innocent blood. I have to repent of this sin. What would a court do to me if my little girl had been born and I murdered her? Would it be any different? It wouldn’t. Yet we make it out to be different somehow.

When you take a life at any stage, it is taking a life. The life God created. The life Jesus died for. Jesus died for my child that she may live. Jesus died for you and He died for me. For LIFE! We are appalled at the murderers, especially the one’s who take the lives of children. But what about women who abort? What about men who force women to abort? Or governments that force women to abort? Why do we think this is okay?

God sent His only begotten Son Jesus to die for my sins and yours. We all sin and fall short one way or another. For some, they must pay for what they have done because of the laws of the land. For others, we get away free because of the laws of the land. But the laws of God, they come with consequences as well. The wages of sin is death. And we deserve every bit of it. Yet Christ died for us that we would not receive the penalty of our sinfulness. GRACE. It is truly amazing. And it is only in HIM that we can truly SEE!

And years later, I do see, and in my heart of heart’s I know that the life I took was the life of a precious little girl….

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.  2 Corinthians 5:21

Day 32: Happy Anniversary? Uh, NO!

Today is the 4oth “Anniversary” of Roe vs. Wade. I don’t think I need to explain to anyone what Roe vs. Wade was and the impact it has had on people in the United States.

Abortion is a MAJOR topic. It is a sort of SILENT killer because it’s victims cannot speak out or stand up for themselves. They never get the chance.  Many would disagree with that. As stated, abortion is a MAJOR issue. M A J O R ! ! !

For me, what it comes down to is this: LIFE. LIFE. LIFE.

When I began this blog, about 32 days or so ago, I wasn’t sure what to write about. I knew that God had told me, through a prophetic word from a brother named Dick Mills, that I would be known as “The Long Island Yak.” Funny, but this did not appeal to me at ALL!!! It wasn’t exactly the word from the Lord I was hoping for. I was disappointed. And a YAK no less. Ugh! How repulsive!! Not even an attractive creature, right? And who wants to be known as a YAK! aka blabbermouth?

Regardless of what I thought about it, if God said it, then I was not going to let it go.

Several years later, here I am, known to some as “The Long Island Yak”. He has made it come to pass. Praise God!!!

And what have I been led to write about? LIFE!

Now here is where the rubber meets the road. I believe I am supposed to write about something I would much rather  forget about. After all, it is in the past. I have peace about it. I have been forgiven, and all is well. But it isn’t. Not really. Something is terribly wrong, and it is much BIGGER than my story.  And yet, it IS my story. We all have a story to tell. And it seems that now is the time for me to tell mine.

This particular story for LIFE is going to start out with the exact opposite.  It begins in death.  For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

May my words be blessed by you Jesus, to accomplish what you wish to accomplish with each one.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

Jesus saves!  Here is my story (to be continued……).